


A second chance

by My_Chevy_Is_My_Baby



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel, Angel/Demon Relationship, Annoying Crowley, Demon Deals, F/M, Forbidden Love, Meg Lives, Megstiel - Freeform, POV Castiel, Sad Castiel, Slow Build, Written before season 11, eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2016-02-12
Packaged: 2018-05-03 02:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5272580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Chevy_Is_My_Baby/pseuds/My_Chevy_Is_My_Baby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel still misses Meg after all this time and he wants her back. Crowley offers an option...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel still misses Meg after all this time and wants her back.
> 
> (This is my very first fanfic, so please don't expect too much ;) )

Castiel sighed into his cup of coffee. Partly because he had to drink it without really liking it (he had previously learned that obviously it was not acceptable to sit in a Big Gerson’s and not order anything) and partly because he didn’t know what else to do. He felt weirdly powerless and somehow unmotivated. Ever since his fight with Dean, from which he still had not completely recovered, he felt like just leaving it all to somebody else. He had not done so, of course. He had tried his best to help and finally everything had worked out for the better: Dean was able to get rid of the mark and back to his normal, less lethal self again. If any of this was on him, Cas couldn’t tell anymore. Dean had basically saved himself, after all. This being said, what was his use here?

These two incredibly stupid, brave and stubborn boys had once again managed to do what he had never thought was possible… of course, this time they had also released the Darkness which up until now he had only heard of and didn’t know what it meant specifically. But then again, how good could something be that’s titled the Darkness? Probably not very… It wouldn’t be the first time they beat a seemingly unbeatable enemy, though, so maybe this wasn’t that much cause for worries after all. And even if it was, Cas did not want to worry anymore. He hated to admit it to himself but he was tired. Tired of the drama, tired of the danger, tired of the demons, tired of the angels, tired of losing friends, tired of having to save the world, humankind, the Winchesters…all of it. We was tired of it and he was done. There had to be somebody else to constantly save everybody’s asses. Because it would not be Castiel.

He had given so much in the course of the last few years, all while thinking that it would make a difference, make the world a better place. But nothing had changed. Nothing at all. And the moment that Dean had stood there, above him, looking down at him, bleeding on the floor, Cas had realized that he didn’t want to go on anymore. It had taken him a while to admit that, of course. He had told himself that he hadn’t defended himself because he hadn’t wanted to hurt Dean, and that was true, Dean was his closest friend in the whole of creation, but the real reason had been something else and he saw that now… It wasn’t like he wanted to die, not at all, Cas enjoyed life just as much as the next guy but it would have been an escape from all the responsibility. A while ago, Cas had hated his Father for leaving, but by now, he understood it.

When Sam had called him last night, telling him about Dean’s victory over the mark and the Darkness, Cas knew he should have felt something. Maybe happiness, relieve that his friend was saved, or fear, faced with an unknown enemy that was obviously even older than he was ,which ought to mean something…  but he just simply didn’t care. He felt terrible about that fact. Dean was his friend, he should be rejoicing, but instead, here he sat, drinking coffee and contemplating life… The problem was probably that it never stopped. Once the world was saved, it somehow managed to be threatened again the next second. It was all just very exhausting.

Cas understood how important it was, no doubt, and it was his assigned job to protect the hairless apes, as it had been since the dawn of time, and even if the big boss had deserted the company, that wasn’t going to change anytime soon. It was still easier for the Winchesters to willingly march into these battles, though, he thought. It was their world, their race, their friends and family, their loved ones they were fighting for. None of these things were applicable to him. He was just an outsider who happened to be on their side. It was harder for him to see reason in all of it, even though he cared about the brothers and their allies too… but it was not the same kind of affection that made them laugh into the face of death time and time again… although, from what Sam had told him, Death should not be a problem any longer now…

All that Cas really meant was just that he would never feel as strongly about anything as they did. Maybe because he didn’t want to. He had tried. Tried to feel… tried to allow the same kind of emotions that humans felt. And it hadn’t done him any favors… Agreed, the object of his affection had probably not been a perfect choice, far from it actually, but wasn’t that human, too? He thought he remembered a saying about that…something along the lines of “you don’t chose who you love”? And he hadn’t. If he had, it would surely have been someone else… but the past was past and it was too late to change it now. Castiel took another sip from his coffee. He still didn’t like it… it was weird to remember how much he did back when he was human…

“Care for a refill?”

A melodic voice interrupted Cas’s thoughts. He raised his head and found one of the waitresses looking at him expectantly. She was beautiful with her dark wavy hair and brown eyes…

“Uhm… no, thank you. I’m good”, Cas mumbled into his cup.

“Fine. Just call if you need anything else, okay?”

He nodded and she disappeared into the kitchen.

            “I think she likes you”, a low voice with a strong British accent said.

Cas didn’t need to turn his head to know whose it was.

            “Crowley…”

            “Hello, my feathery friend. Enjoying your coffee?”

Castiel turned to face him.

            “Not particularly, no. But this is the only place I can sit and think… and I am not your friend.”

Crowley’s lips curled up into a little smile.

            “No reason to be rude. We go way back after all, don’t we? We were enemies, then partners in crime, then allies, then enemies again…good times, huh?”

            “What do you want, Crowley?”

Cas was getting annoyed with this conversation… _partners in crime_ … who did this guy think he was?!

            “Your cooperation, my dear winged… companion. Is that better?”

Well, at least he hadn’t said _friend_ again.

            “No. I will not cooperate with you.”

Crowley acted shocked.

            “Now don’t be like that, Castiel. Don’t you remember how much fun we had last time? You know, when we found-“

            “Can I get you anything?”

The waitress was back. Castiel had barely noticed her walking up to them.

            “I’ll just have the same thing as my friend here”, Crowley answered, winking at Cas at the word _friend_.

The young woman left the table and the self-made king of hell faced Cas again.

            “When we found purgatory, I meant to say.”

            “As a matter of fact, I do. And I also remember all the people who had to die because of that mistake. No!” Cas answered in a cold tone, trying to keep his voice down and not seem suspicious.

            “That’s nitpicking. You don’t even want to know what I’m offering?” Crowley asked, deliberately sounding hurt.

When Cas didn’t react, Crowley continued talking.

            “I’m offering breaking you out of this tedious loneliness, darling. I know that’s what you want. It’s written all over your sweet, innocent, angelic face.”

Crowley smiled to himself, obviously amazed by how funny he thought he was. Cas tried to block his voice out and concentrate on what was left of his coffee. He took another sip while the demon went on:

            “I could bring her back, you know. Your little girlfriend…Meg…”

At the last word, Cas almost spat out his drink. How dare he?! He turned to face Crowley again…only to realize that he was gone. Castiel growled some syllables in Enochian that in any other situation he would have been ashamed of even knowing, but right now all he could think of was what the filthy demon had said… he hadn’t meant that. He couldn’t have meant that… She was gone. His beautiful caretaker, his precious thorny rose, she had been killed. And there had been nothing he could do. Because she had not just been sent back to hell or exorcised or whatever, but she had actually and really been killed. If only she had been sent back, then the first thing he would have done would have been to get her back. She had given him some stability, somehow, and now she was gone. Irrevocably gone. And he missed her, no matter how much he tried to deny it, he still did. Even though he didn’t chose it. And there he was again, thinking about this human saying. They were cruel things, feelings…

The first few weeks after she had been killed, Cas had felt somehow numb, he had lived in his own little world for a while. Again, he should say. But this time, there were no bees or exploding light bulbs... because who would be there to replace them? It felt like he was just waiting for a dream to be over, a bad movie to end… he waited for her to suddenly show up and with that gorgeous glimmer in her big eyes ,that allowed him to see all the way into her little, damaged soul, ask him “ _Did you miss me, Clarence?”._ She had asked him these exact words before but at the time, he hadn’t had an answer. Now he did. And he wanted to tell her. Tell her how right she had been, tell her that even though he acted dumb, he actually understood most of her allusions and felt flattered and mostly that, after these first weeks of waiting for her had past and the realization that she was gone had kicked in, he had made Sam and Dean rent the movie she had kept referring to: _It’s a wonderful life_ …

He had thought it would help him deal with her loss, but instead it had only made everything so much worse… Finally figuring out who Clarence was, understanding the context and mainly realizing, after the movie was over, why she had chosen to call him that, had, to the unsuspecting brothers’ surprise, made him cry his eyes out. And it hadn’t been until then that they had understood Castiel’s weird behavior of the weeks before. His silence and his worn out expression, his lack of interest for everything and how much he chose to stay around them. He had usually tried to help where he could and then left, once everything was settled. But back then, his routine had changed drastically for a while.

Thinking back, Cas saw the reasons: loneliness, sadness and fear. Short: humanity. He had needed to be around people, around friends, to not break down. He had needed their company because even although he never mentioned his feelings for this fallen soul to either of them, his heart was still broken and their presence kept it beating. Their voices, their smiles, their conversations… they worked like band aids. They hadn’t fixed what was beyond repairing, but they held the pieces together and kept them functional until he figured out how to do it on his own. And once he did, he left. But dealing with it did not mean forgetting her, of course. Still, he had tried, had buried his feelings. And now this stupid demon had had to come and dig it all back up again…

For a moment, Cas felt as if he couldn’t breathe. Crowley would pay for this... and it would hurt. Just like he hurt now… Would it be unorthodox to carve a demon’s heart out using nothing but blunt force and his vessel’s fingernails…? But no. Cas stopped his trail of thoughts. This was going too far. What was it with demons making him give in to his lesser instincts? He would not. He could not. He was an angel of the- Oh, hell, who was he kidding? An angel of probably no one and maybe a piss-poor version of one, but still, an angel. And he would try to behave accordingly. No matter what. With that thought in mind, he drank down his last swallow, put some money next to his cup and left the Big Gerson’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think?
> 
> English is not my first language, so please forgive me if there are mistakes (but feel free to point them out to me).


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel still misses Meg after all this time and wants her back.

           “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”

The question broke Castiel’s reverie and he looked up. In front of the park bench that he had been sitting on since sometime around 5 this morning, there stood a slim blonde with a stroller. She smiled at him.

            “Yes, I suppose it is a nice day for April… complacent temperatures”, Cas answered.

She had no way of knowing that he had just had one of the worst nights in history, so obviously, to her it would seem like a beautiful day. To him, it wouldn’t. Not with all the sunshine in the world. After he had left that diner the other day, he hadn’t managed to stop the thoughts and emotions that came rushing down on him. He had thought about everything. How he had pushed Meg into the ring of holy fire instead of holding her while he still could, how he had called her an abomination (he would kick himself for it now if he thought it would help), how he had hated her for attacking his friends, hurting them, leaving Bobby paralyzed, killing Ellen and Jo (kind of) and how later everything had changed… apart from his attraction towards her that had been there since he first met her, however hard he had tried to deny it.

Meg had actually come around, redeemed herself and helped them. She risked her life and eventually even sacrificed herself for them. He remembered all of these things. And he remembered her smile, the sound of her voice, her laughter, even her steps. And most of all, he remembered the pizza man. Or rather his version of him. The smell of her hair as he held her close, her body pressed against his own, the taste and the feeling of her lips on his, the burning desire to be closer to her… He had chosen to deal with those memories by visiting the nearest liquor store and basically drinking it. In retrospective, that had probably not been one of his brightest ideas… his head was killing him.

            “Do you mind if I sit with you?”, the woman asked and, doing so, interrupted his thoughts.

            “No. Sure, sit down”, Cas answered and quickly moved to one side of the bench to make room for her.

She smiled again and did as he asked. Then, she turned the stroller to face her, so she could keep an eye on her baby. Cas noticed that it was a beautiful child. A little girl in a green romper suit with little yellow flowers on it. She had light green eyes and hazel colored ringlets of hair that framed her little heart-shaped face. Adorable. And she smiled at him. Castiel couldn’t help himself… he felt terrible, kind of like he had just been run over by a train, and yet he had to smile back at her. She was like a tiny, little sun, radiating happiness.

            “She seems to like you”, the blonde noted, with obvious surprise. “Funny, she usually is really shy around people she doesn’t know.”

Cas smiled even wider.

            “Do you?”, he asked the little girl. “In that case, I like you, too. You just made me feel a lot better, you know…”

He looked at her mother again.

            “What’s her name?”, he queried.

            “Rachel”, she answered. “She’s just turned one last week.”

            “Well… Happy belated birthday then, Rachel”, Cas said, looking at the child again.

The girl laughed. It was an intriguing sound, high and clear, like wind chimes. Castiel enjoyed it. With all the pain and destruction, the hate and the loss he had encountered since he was down here, it was good to see somebody laugh. It made it all count, showed him the importance of his mission, what he was fighting for…

            “Do you have kids?”, Rachel’s mum wanted to know.

            “No… unfortunately not.”

            “You should think about it. I recommend it, they complete your life. And you’re great with Rachel. You’d make a great dad, I’m sure.”

Instead of an answer, Cas just gave the woman a warm smile in return. It wasn’t like children were an option for him but she didn’t have to know that. A bit of small talk and about half an hour later, they left and he was alone on his park bench again. He couldn’t help but wonder whether maybe, if he were human, the blonde could be right… would he be a good father? At least better than his own, perhaps…? But there was no way of answering these questions, so he pushed them away. He was just about to get up and leave, too, when he noticed a movement in the corner of his eye. He turned his head to see what it was that he had seen.

            “Hello again, Castiel.”

Crowley. He had appeared right next to him, on the free seat where a few minutes ago, Rachel’s mum had sat. Cas was not in the mood for this conversation right now. He didn’t want to talk to the king of hell. All he wanted was some Aspirin and silence…

            “Leave me be, Crowley. I can’t handle your smart mouth right now.”

Cas got up and started walking away. Crowley sighed, but followed him, his hands buried deep in the pockets of his perfectly tailored black suit, obviously annoyed.

            “Not so fast, my dear. Have you thought about my offer?”

            “Bite me, Crowley!”, Cas hissed at him, his patience with this impertinent demon running out.

            “Rude… I see we picked up some of our friends’ behavior. But since I’m such a selfless and forgiving person, I will just pretend I didn’t hear that and come back to my offer-“

            “No! The answer is no. No matter what you want or what you’re offering. No.”

The last word came out sounding like a growl and Cas was really getting furious now. This guy made his headache so much worse and he was the reason for his misery in the first place. He would not listen to this for one second longer. He quickened his pace.

            “Oh yes, of course. Because obviously you are so much better than me, right? So wholesome and pure? Well, don’t play coy with me princess, be both know what lurks in the shadows of your heart, don’t we? All these repressed desires and emotions… poor thing. It must be so hard to try and pretend like you’re… well, an _angel_ or something…”

Cas could hear Crowley’s smile in the last few words and it made him want to turn around and show that dirty halfwit what this particular angel was made of… but seeing all the people around him, he quickly decided otherwise. He could not put them at risk. Not for selfish reasons. And mainly not because of this annoying individual next to him who was beginning to feel like what Dean would call “a real pain in the ass”. Cas continued his walk in silence and hoped Crowley would just disappear again but the demon was not going to do him that favor, it seemed. Instead, he continued his fatiguing monologue.

            “Okay, fine. Yes, maybe that was a little rude, too. I fear I may have gotten carried away there. But you know my temper… This does not have to affect our business relationship, though, does it? We can still negotiate the terms of our little bargain in a friendly and civilized way…” 

            “No. We cannot. Because there will be no bargain. Goodbye, Crowley.”

            “Castiel! Think this through, will you? I am offering you a once in a lifetime chance. You get your little sweetheart back, give me a little something you don’t even really need in return and we’re all happy. Everybody wins. So… What do you say?”

Castiel stopped and turned to face the king of hell. It was getting harder and harder for him not to get out his angel-blade and put a definite end to this conversation.

            “What would you even want from me? I don’t have anything to give you. So stop this! Go and play your stupid games elsewhere.”

            “And this, my friend, is where you are mistaken. You DO have something that I really, really want… or rather, one of your little pets has it, I suppose… My guess is Moose. Am I right?”

            “Right about what? I still don’t know what you`re talking about!”, Cas said, more confused than angry this time. What the hell was this guy going on about?

            “Metatron’s grace, you bloody idiot! I know you stole it from him. And since you were probably smart enough to not keep it while going on a road trip with him, I presume you gave it to Moose or Squirrel for safekeeping... But given Squirrel’s rather unstable condition at the time, my guess is the Sasquatch. Am I right?”

Castiel stared at him blankly for an instant. How did he know about these things? He really had handed the scribe’s grace to Sam after they had freed him from his prison cell. Knowing that he could not trust Metatron he had not wanted to take any risks and therefore had decided to not even take it with him. Instead he had told Sam to hide it… and forgotten to ask about its location later. To be entirely honest, after getting is own back, he had not cared about any other angel’s grace anymore…

            “What would you need his grace for? And what exactly makes you think I’d be stupid enough to tell you where it is?”, Cas asked.

He started to feel a little uneasy. He didn’t like the direction this conversation was taking and he didn’t feel up to dealing with it on his own. He knew that Crowley would not give in. Not if he really wanted Metatron’s grace… and he had found Castiel’s weakness… This was thin ice he was walking on. Last time an angel’s grace had been used for anything other than its assigned purpose, Heaven had collapsed and all his brothers and sisters had fallen… some of them even died. He should probably call the Winchesters and tell them Crowley was up to something again. But if he did, would he ever figure out how Crowley meant to revive Meg? He said he wanted to make a deal, after all, didn’t he? And Crowley always held up his end, so maybe there really was a way…

            “It is really none of your bloody business why I want it. All that you should care about is how to bring it to me and how to explain to the boys that your lover’s back.”

            “I cannot hand you Metatron’s grace. In the wrong hands, an angel’s grace can be a very dangerous weapon. And I can hardly think of any hands that would qualify as more wrong than yours…”

Cas took a deep breath before asking the next question. He was not even entirely sure whether he really wanted to hear the answer to it… and this demon was probably the best liar he had ever met, apart from Zachariah maybe…

            “Could you really bring her back? How?”

            “That’s my department, worry about your own affairs, Feathers. But to answer your first question: yes, I could. All you have to do is give me that jacksie’s magic light and we’re in business...”, Crowley answered, smiling at him.

Cas looked down at his feet, feeling guilty. How could he even think about this for one split-second? He knew it was wrong…dangerously so even. But he missed her so bad. It made him weak… Still, no matter how much he wanted to, he could not make this deal. It was too dangerous and as an angel, Cas had learned to think about the bigger picture…

            “Crowley, I can’t-“, he started.

But when he looked up, the demon was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language, so please forgive me if there are mistakes (but feel free to point them out to me).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel still misses Meg after all this time and wants her back.

The fluttering of Castiel’s trench coat notified the Winchesters of his arrival in their bunker-like headquarters. The place still smelled like gasoline and dried blood, even though the boys did their best to clean it. Sam turned around to greet him with his arms full of books that he had obviously just collected from the floor, where most of what they owned formed one big pile in the middle of the room.

            “Hey, Cas. Where have you been? We’ve been trying to get a hold of you the entire day. All my calls went straight to voicemail… I was starting to get worried about you.”

            “I’m sorry Sam… I must have forgotten to charge it. I am still not too familiar with these things…”, Cas answered, avoiding eye-contact.

He felt bad about lying to Sam but he couldn’t tell him the truth. Because the truth was: he knew very well how to charge his cellphone, but when Sam had called the first time, he had simply turned it off. He hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone. He was ashamed of his weakness… he knew that what he was about to do was irresponsible and wrong and he had needed some time to try and convince himself that he was better than this… stronger. But he had failed. His weakness, his humanity, had won him over and now he knew what he was going to do…

While Sam shrugged, not seeming entirely convinced by Cas’s poor excuse, and carried the books to one of the high shelves that covered one entire side of the big room, Dean walked in, a cleaning bucket and a rag in his hands. Once he saw the angel, he quickly put them down, walked towards him and hugged him. This was a lot more physical contact and closeness than the older brother usually allowed and it therefore caught Cas a little off-guard. Dean’s behavior was uncharacteristic and surprising for him. After all, _he_ had been the one to constantly remind Cas of “personal space” and suchlike, but right now, he didn’t appear to care.

            “I’m sorry, Cas.”

That was all he said. And that was really all he needed to say to make Castiel realize the reasons of this sudden change of heart. He felt guilty, too. Logically. He had almost killed Castiel and threatened to do so, after all… But Cas had never really been angry with him or even blamed him. It hadn’t been Dean speaking or acting, it had been the impact of the mark. If only he could tell him how guilty _he_ felt right now… for he was also about to betray his friends. Only that he didn’t have anything but his own flawed self to lay the blame on… Instead of replying, he only answered Dean’s hug and held him really tight for a moment before letting go and taking a step back to return to their accustomed way of conduct. It made Dean smile.

            “So, what’s the word, Cas? Any news on the Darkness from upstairs or any of your friends down here?”, he asked.

            “I haven’t yet been able to gather any useful information. Heaven is not as organized as it used to be. And I do not have too many friends left…”, Cas said, his voice lowering with every word.

He hated lying to the boys and it showed. He couldn’t tell Dean these things while looking him in the eye. Then again, he also didn’t want to tell him that he hadn’t even tried to help up until now… not to mention that the reason for his questionable behavior was a demon… or that he planned on getting said demon back for equally questionable causes by making a deal with the king of hell and, in the process, handing him the probably most powerful weapon he had ever had… All he could do was hope that they bought what he was said. And for now, it seemed like they did. Thanks to the destruction of their home, Dean’s still very recent triumph over the curse and their new unknown opponent, their minds appeared to be distracted enough not to notice that something was wrong with him.

            “Talking about Heaven…”, Cas continued, looking at Sam who had just returned from the other side of the room to pick up another pile of books.

            “What about it?”, he asked, pausing his work for a moment.

            “The angels have asked me to return Metatron’s grace. They are under the impression that Heaven is a safer place to keep it, mostly now, that Metatron’s human and surely looking for it.”, Castiel answered, reciting words he had composed with care before coming here.

            “Makes sense.”, Dean said without even looking up, kneeling on the floor, trying to get rid of the gasoline stains on the carpet.

            “Are you sure that’s necessary? I don’t think he’ll find it. It’s hard enough to find this place in the first place if you don’t know about it, isn’t it?”, Sam questioned, frowning.

One down, one more to go as it seemed… but Cas was sure he’d manage to convince Sam, too. It was only a matter of time. And even if not, now he knew where to search for the scribe’s grace. It was somewhere in this bunker and that meant that Castiel would find it eventually if he had to… Another try then.

            “I don’t doubt that you’re right. This place is as safe as is humanly possible…but only as safe as that. Heaven would be safer still, don’t you think? Metatron couldn’t even look for it there.”, Cas stated in a convinced tone, forcing himself to keep eye-contact with the younger Winchester while speaking.

            “Fine. Whatever.”, Sam mumbled. He dropped the books he was holding, turned around and left the room, apparently annoyed by having to interrupt his tidying-up.

            “Don’t worry about that. He’s just pissed ‘cause we’ve been cleaning up here since sometime around six this morning and this place still looks worse than the damn apocalypse did.”, Dean tried to calm Cas in a playful tone.

Castiel laughed. Not really because of Dean’s little joke, but because he felt relieved. His plan had worked and they didn’t suspect a thing. If only things always were this easy.

            “Let me help you with that.”, he said, walking over to Dean and the carpet and grabbing a rag.

Dean smiled at him thankfully and together, they tried to clean the smelly thing until, a few minutes later, Cas heard Sam’s footsteps approaching. He got up and dropped the rag back into the bucket. As soon as Sam walked into the room, Castiel could see a bright light gleam between the fingers of his right hand. The grace. The angel smiled and walked towards the tall young man.

            “Thank you, Sam. This should quiet everybody’s mind up in Heaven. I’m sorry I had to bother you with this. I know you have more important things to think about.”

            “No, it’s ok…we got nothing. At least not yet. You really think we’d be here scrubbing the floor if we had any leads on this?”, Sam answered, showing him a warm smile. He was obviously sorry about his prior behavior.

            “Of course not. I’ll see what I can find and I’ll call once I’ve got news, all right?”, Cas said, taking the small glistening vial from him.

Sam nodded and so, after looking at Dean one more time, Cas was gone.

**~~~**

A moment later, he reappeared in the motel room that he had rented in Garden City, KS, a place so uninteresting that hopefully nobody would come looking for him here. His motel, the _New Sunflower Inn_ sounded a lot nicer than it actually was, given that due to its location on the corner of two of the bigger streets of the town, East Fulton Street and Davis Street, it was rather noisy, not to mention that it was situated right next to a night club that some genius had decided to call the _Wet Nightclub._ How innovative.

Cas was still not entirely sure whether the owner was trying to keep people out or make the place sound appealing. If the goal was the latter, it surely didn’t work on him. To Castiel, the name sounded more than uninviting, yet every night, it was crawling with young drunkards, loudly babbling about God knows what… Still, he had chosen to stay. Not because of the pleasant surroundings, far from that, but because of the close proximity to everything that he considered necessary.

Right across the street, there was a rental service for cars, a grill, a steakhouse and a breakfast joint that made the whole street smell like fresh waffles every morning. In front of the night club, there was a _Baskin-Robbins_ ice cream shop and an ATM, and a little further up the street, Cas had seen a Mexican restaurant. He had even noticed the university library was only one block away, as were the campus Laundromat and a grocery store. Everything was right there, it was central. Besides, charging only 65$, the motel was comparatively cheap and angels weren’t exactly paid for their good deeds… Castiel still felt guilty about the credit card scams he had learned from his protégés. He didn’t want to spend more money than he had to…

Castiel sat down at the small table in his room, carefully placed the brightly glowing vial on the table board and reached into the pocket of his trench coat for his cell phone. He turned it back on, pensively looked at it for a long moment and then dialed with determination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language, so please forgive me if there are mistakes (but feel free to point them out to me).


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel still misses Meg after all this time and wants her back.
> 
> (Please keep in mind that this was written before season 11and my explanation of the Darkness is therefore completely made up)

“Well, it certainly took you long enough.”

A familiar voice with a British accent made Cas look up from his phone. Crowley stood in the middle of the small room, wiping something that only he appeared to see from the shoulder of his custom-tailored suit. Cas was surprised. He had thought it would be harder to get an appointment with the overly busy king of the damned, but as it seemed, making the most stupid decision of a life time was enough to make him show up the exact moment one picked up the phone. He watched Crowley’s eyes wander across the room, searching and finally finding the bright light radiating from the surface of the table right in front of Castiel. For a second, it looked like the demon was smiling, but it was gone so quickly that Cas couldn’t be entirely sure.

            “As you can see, I am prepared to keep my end of the bargain. But I wonder… How do you plan on keeping yours? You stabbed Meg with an angel blade. How could you possibly bring her back? To be entirely honest, I still don’t believe you can…”, Cas said, watching Crowley carefully.

 “Oh, you are underestimating me. It’s pretty simple, actually. I suppose I don’t need to tell you that every soul is basically pure energy, right?”, the demon answered, obviously not feeling rueful at all.

“Right, yes. A soul is like a little nuclear reactor, it consists of energy and it can also provide power to others if they know how to tap it. I did that with Bobby’s soul once… Why?”

“Bobby Singer? Oh that peerie drunk whore really let _everyone_ have a go at that old thing, huh? And I thought we had something special… Oh, well. The important point here is that energy does not disappear. It can be transformed but it will always be energy. It can’t be lost. And therefore neither can souls. Because they ARE energy. Manage to keep up?”, Crowley asked, looking at Cas expectantly.

            “Yes, but… the demons we killed with the boys’ demon-killing knife… where did they go then? They weren’t sent to Hell and they definitely weren’t sent to Heaven either, so where are they? If they aren’t gone?”

            “Well, let me tell you a story, my little winged friend… once upon a time, there was this chap who thought about what could possibly be done to punish and torture a human soul even worse than sending it to Hell. And he came up with several ideas… establishing a special, _really_ interesting section of Hell, sending it to purgatory with all these nice little pets that I don’t need to tell _you_ about, given you probably encountered most of them during your vacation there, or creating an entirely new place, especially for those who aren’t even worthy of going to Hell...

Now, you see, after having given the issue quite a sizeable amount of thought, he decided to do the latter and created a place that he located outside of everything he took care of. Right in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by the Darkness, an evil force, that he had locked away a long time ago, before he even created his army of feathery minions. In a godforsaken place, so it could not threaten his precious creation, for this chap that I’m referring to, of course, was none other than your beloved Daddy. He then called it the Outer Darkness, locked it as neatly as godly possible, hid it so safely that even the archangels, his little favorites, didn’t have a chance of finding it and decided that only the worst of all souls were to suffer the never-ending pain and torture there that not even I want to imagine.

Because Hell has rules, you know. It has always had and it will always have rules. Not too many, I agree, but it still works according to certain principles. We want to twist and break souls, make them ours, not destroy them…”

            “But that’s what the Outer Darkness does?”, Cas interrupted him, his head spinning. He always thought he knew everything about his Father’s creation, yet this was news to him. He had never heard of the term before.

            “…Rude! Don’t interrupt me while I’m telling a story!”, Crowley shouted angrily. “But yes. Exactly. That is if you stay there long enough. It wears the souls out, drains them of their energy and light and eventually just extinguishes them, using the energy for its own benefit.”

Castiel was really confused now. If this demon was telling him the truth, then how could an angel not know this place? Even if the location was kept a secret, he would at least have expected to be told about its existence. He had been so sure that he knew everything he needed to know about the system that he used to work for… And now, just like his faith in his Father, it all came tumbling down. Again. Well, wasn’t this great?

Cas couldn’t see why Crowley would lie to him, given that he actually wouldn’t need to answer his questions at all.  Cas would do anything to get Meg back and he was pretty sure that Crowley was well aware of that fact. So why would he decide not to be truthful now? But then again, how could a demon know things about God that even an angel as high up in ranks as he used to be, initially as captain and later leader of the garrison and after Anna’s death only third position in command after the archangels and God himself, wasn’t told about?

Castiel hated to admit it to himself but that revelation had hurt his feelings… Where did Crowley get this knowledge from? He thought about asking him for a moment, only to realize that his pride as one of the most important leaders of Heaven wouldn’t let him even if he tried. So he pretended like none of this was news to him and silently and just slightly pouting continued listening to Crowley’s words.

            “You know, my friend, I don’t think you need to worry about her though. She’s a handful. It wasn’t easy to break her the first time either… That’s what I’m told at least. A little before my time in an influential position, after all…”, the king of Hell went on, looking at Cas.

Noticing the angel’s pouting face, he had to laugh. “You _did_ know about at least some of this, didn’t you?”, he asked, eyeing Castiel curiously.

            “Of course, yes…” Cas quickly answered in a low voice, only to immediately feel guilty and say “…No. I never knew about any of it… How come you do?”

Crowley just smiled at him.

            “Oh love, I fear this information is a little above your paygrade. I could tell you more about Hell 2.0 though, if you’d like.”

Cas felt like punching him in the face for making him beg like this but he didn’t have much of a choice if he wanted to know what had been kept secret from him before. So he swallowed his pride and nodded without any further comment.

            “Okay. Fine. To be honest, I am actually thoroughly surprised you don’t know about it at all. That would mean that even your prophets have more knowledge of what is happening up there than you do…”, Crowley started, still smiling. “The Outer Darkness is actually referred to three times by your buddy Matthew. At 8:12, 22:13, and 25:30, to be precise.”

He smiled even wider and looked at Cas expectantly. “Aren’t you proud of me for knowing that? My mother hated me so much, she sent me to a catholic Sunday school. Maybe you should go there too sometime and learn things… Anyway, he describes it as a place into which a person can be ‘cast out’, and where there is ‘weeping and gnashing of teeth’. Most people therefore generally thought of the Outer Darkness as Hell, which it obviously isn’t, but some also associate it more as a place of ultimate separation from God. But that’s only what these bloody Catholics were able to figure out on the topic.

Others were a lot closer to the truth, actually. The Latter Day Saints or Mormons actually describe the Outer Darkness as the place where the sons of perdition reside, or in other words, those whose souls belong nowhere and who will also not take part in the _‘glory of God‘_ and all that nonsense after death. Instead they, and now listen to this Feathers, it’s fascinating: they ‘shall go away into the lake of fire and brimstone, with worse than the devil and his angels’. According to their beliefs, the place is meant for the ultimate evil only. They consider it to be place where God is completely absent, so basically everything I was talking about earlier. There are no rules, no limits, and most importantly: no mercy until the soul is extinguished. The only thing that they didn’t catch is that Daddy gave every single one of you winged babies the chance to send souls that you want to get rid of there, too.”

            “By using the angel blades. Because the demons killed with those don’t go back to Hell but they are locked in the Outer Darkness instead, to make sure that they cannot return. I understand… “, Cas said, deeply in thoughts and nodding.

            “Right. And obviously the Kurds managed to figure out how that works, as well. For all I know, it was them who gave that bitch Ruby’s knife the same capability, after all.”

            “Thank you for the enlightenment, Crowley. Still, I can’t help but notice that you did not really answer my initial question. You said nobody is able to escape, so how the _hell_ are you going to get her back from there? ”, Cas inquired, flinching a little, only realizing what had just said once it was already too late.

He had to stop spending so much time around Dean. Best friend or not, he certainly was a bad influence on him… but then again, if Dean hadn’t forgotten to switch the channel on the TV in that motel, Cas would never have gotten to know the Pizza-man. And he would never have gotten so wonderfully close to Meg… And really, who cared about a little cursing every now and then, right?

            “My, my, my, Castiel. What kind of language is that?!”, Crowley smirked and, without giving the angel time to defend himself, went on: “You can thank your friends Moose and Squirrel for that. Those two _bloody_ idiots have actually managed to _release_ the Darkness after your Daddy so carefully made sure that it was locked up nice and tight. It’s only a matter of time now before… well, I’d say ‘all hell breaks loose’ but… you get the idea. Once the Darkness becomes active, it’s gonna make your goddamn _apocalypse_ look like mere child’s play. This thing is old. Way older than you or any of your feathered friends up there. Even older than God. The Darkness has always been there… Until Big Daddy came along and caged it. And now thanks to those _plonkers_ , it is somewhere out there again, angry and vindictive… On the plus side, and this is what is important for _you_ to know, it didn’t close the door behind itself as it fled. And that again means that, given that one has the needed power and knowledge, it is now possible to free the souls that are kept in the Outer Darkness. Lucky for you, as the King of Hell, I do have both of these things at my disposal and am also more than willing to help a brother out here… with the proper payment, of course.”

Crowley smiled his warmest smile and held out his hand, waiting.

Cas didn’t have to think it through again, he knew what he would end up doing anyway. He reached for the brightly glowing vial on the table, picked it up and then slowly and reluctantly handed it to the demon, all the while maintaining careful eye contact with his opponent. Crowley was still smiling when he let the little vial slip into the front pocket of his black perfectly cut suit.

            “Alrighty then”, he said, obviously pleased to have the upper hand in the situation. “Usually I’d seal this deal with a kiss but to be entirely honest, and I mean, no hard feelings here, but you just aren’t my type, loverboy. I’m not really into the silently suffering, innocent, awkward virgin thing… Let’s just consider this sealed with a handshake, shall we?”

            “What about Meg?”, the angel asked, sounding a little insecure.

            “Don’t worry, I’ll bring her to you before sundown. That’s the deal. Even I can’t talk my way out of that, believe me. So, your hand on it?”

Crowley still waited for Cas to finally shake his hand, becoming a little impatient. Cas suddenly had the strong urge to back out of the entire thing but he had already gone too far. Wanting to finally get it over with, he quickly took the demon’s hand and slightly shook it. For a second, he could still see Crowley grin, then he was suddenly gone and Cas found himself alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language, so please forgive me if there are mistakes (but feel free to point them out to me).


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas waits for Crowley to finally bring Meg back and is not disappointed.

Chapter 5

The clock had to be slow. It just had to. There was no way that it was normal for the seconds to pass this excruciatingly slow... Cas had already checked it twice though, turning on the TV and flipping through the channels until he found a news channel with the exact time displayed in the upper right corner. And after comparing the numbers on the screen with the clock on the wall, the angel was sad to find that the clock actually worked... both times. Now, he was standing by the one dirty window in the room, looking at nothing, staring blankly up at the sky... He sighed. Where the hell was Crowley? The sky already showed a faint tint of pink in the distance, it was late and it wouldn't be long now before the sun finally set. Castiel was certain that he had never before anticipated anything as much as this particular sunset. It meant that Crowley was forced to be here any time now. He had to keep his word after all, right?

Cas was starting to feel nervous now... what if he wouldn't show up? If he just used his weakness against him in a very clever way? Why did he ever hand the demon the scribe's grace in the first place? He felt stupid now. He should have kept it until he saw her... He hadn't thought this through... What had he been thinking to allow this filthy damned soul to be in control of the situation like this? Cas found that the answer to his question was probably that he hadn't been thinking at all... or at least not with his, as Dean would say, "upstairs-brain"... The angel was ashamed. He shouldn't even know what his friend meant by this expression but there was no denying that it was exactly the reason for his troubled situation now... Cas felt his face heat up and was suddenly pretty sure he was blushing. He focused his eyes and looked out onto the street, this time to actually see something.

There were people walking by, a group of three young men. They were talking about some football game, laughing and slightly shoving each other in a playful way. They obviously were close friends who were out to have a good time… Castiel had to think of Sam and Dean. What were they doing right now? Would they ever forgive him? He lied to them, after all… and betrayal really was _the one thing_ that Dean didn’t simply forgive… If he ever wanted him to talk to him again he should better start thinking about ways of explaining himself to Dean right now… But he couldn’t find the words. Hell, he didn’t even understand his actions himself, so how was he supposed to make someone else understand?

Cas sighed and turned away from the window. He would have to figure out all of that later. Now, all that mattered was to _finally_ see her again. The angel let his eyes wander around the room, checking to see if everything was in order. He had made sure that the room looked as nice as possible, getting rid of every stain and every little bit of dust that he could find by use of his “angel-mojo”. He had even ensured that the floor _under_ the bed was clean, that’s how bored he had been… After he had been done and there had been nothing left to clean, Castiel had become bored again, though. He’d gone through all the drawers and doors of the closet and the nightstands, something he now wished he hadn’t done… People left weird things behind in these kinds of motel rooms.

The one thing that had been able to entertain him for a while, other than the TV, was the little pocket-sized bible he had found in one of the nightstands. It was almost funny how many things the humans got wrong. Then, after a while (and most of the first half of the Old Testament), he had grown tired of the book, too. He had found that he had to do something productive if he didn’t want to go insane. He had therefore decided to go out and go for a short walk because it had still been quite early and he (rightfully) hadn’t thought Crowley would return any time soon. He’d left the motel without a specific destination in mind, just trying to clear his head. When he had walked past a gas-station about twenty minutes later, he had decided to go in and see what kinds of magazines they offered. He had thought that maybe, if they had others than those questionable ones that Dean usually bought, they could help him pass some time.

After he’d gone through the different things on the magazine stand, he’d settled for a copy of the Time Magazine and a volume of Duck Tales stories that Cas had found very amusing even though it appeared to be meant for kids. Then, when he had made his way to the cash register, he had suddenly been hit by the strong scent of vanilla. His interest piqued, the angel had turned to see where it had come from and had found himself facing a shelf full of scented candles in different colors and sizes. It hadn’t been hard to spot the one he had smelled, it was the only one with a label showing a picture of vanilla blossoms. Castiel had taken it with him without thinking twice. He had been too intrigued by the smell… and he still was now, standing in front of the windowsill where he had placed the candle after he’d come back from his trip. Using his grace once again, he lit it, finding that that action made it smell even better. It made the entire room smell sweet now and he hoped that Meg would like it too…

The angel looked out the window and at the sky again. It was a beautiful shade of pink now, little bits of purple woven into it in some places. He was still searching for the right words to describe the view when a familiar, melodic voice behind him suddenly made him spin on his heel.

            “Wow, Clarence. How romantic.”

There she stood, right behind him, looking at him with her adorable smile lighting up her perfect face that was framed by her once again dark brown and completely irresistible waves of hair. Cas couldn’t help but stretch out his hand and tuck one of the strands behind her ear, not so much for the action itself as for the proof that she was real. And she was, he could _actually_ touch her and feel the heat of her skin on his fingertips as he brushed her ear in the process. She was very real, she was standing right in front of him and she was staring at him with her gorgeous dark eyes. Castiel felt like he could get lost in the depth of those two brown orbs… it was hard to avert his gaze, but Cas decided he had to. He looked around the room but it appeared to be empty except for the two of them.

Meg must have noticed because she said: “He’s not here, don’t worry.” She smiled at him again, reassuringly this time. “Your deal is complete, so why would he come back?”

The angel had to admit that she had a point. Crowley wouldn’t gain anything by showing up again but for some reason he had expected him to bring her here in person. Not that Cas were complaining, he certainly didn’t want the king of Hell anywhere near him if it was not 100% necessary. And this way, he had Meg all for himself. Just like he had always hoped. And this time, he wouldn’t miss his chance. He looked at her again, taking in all her utter beauty and perfection, for a moment just trying to wrap his mind around the fact that she was _really_ here, before slowly leaning in and kissing her. Just a little peck on the lips, wondering how she was going to react when he took a step back. He looked at her and saw her full lips curl up in a smile.

            “What, Clarence? Was that it? After all this time you can’t even greet me properly? I’m a little disappointed. That worked a lot better the last time we tried”, she said with a wink.

            “I – I know… I just was not entirely certain whether you would like to-“, Castiel started but then suddenly found himself silenced by another kiss. A real one this time, with Meg taking the lead. Just like the first time they had kissed, when she had tried to distract him to steal his angel blade. And just like the first time, Cas reacted by whirling her around and pushing her against the nearest wall, taking over the kiss and holding her as tightly as he could. When Meg broke the kiss to breathe, he moved his mouth next to her ear.

            “Zeer geh ho-ath”, he whispered, the Enochian words coming way more easily to him than any English one ever would. He didn’t think that Meg understood but he didn’t need her too. He hadn’t exactly said the words for her but for himself. It felt weirdly liberating to finally be able to confess his feelings to her, even though she most likely didn’t understand… he had wanted to say these words for way too long. And now here he was, holding her in his arms and looking into her admirable face that he had missed for all this time. The angel couldn’t help but smile. He was happy. Truly and completely happy for the first time in what seemed like forever.

            Meg smiled at him, the expression warming Castiel’s heart so much, he would have sworn he could feel the warmth spread from there through his entire body. She obviously didn’t need to know any Enochian to understand what he had just said. She stretched out her right hand and slowly put it on his cheek, cupping it, before taking a step towards him and, just as slowly as she had moved her hand, put their foreheads together, their noses touching. Cas felt like he could just stay like this forever. Like the world could end right here and now, and he still wouldn’t move. The moment felt so extremely precious, he didn’t want it to ever end… but he also wanted to kiss her again and after about a minute, that desire won him over.

            He closed the gap between their lips again, savoring the taste of hers, desperate like a drowning man gasping for air.

            “Wow. You really _did_ miss me, Clarence”, Meg said, a smile playing around the corners of her lips, once the angel finally managed to let her go again without feeling like it was going to tear him apart.

            “I did. When you were gone, I…”

Cas trailed off, not knowing what else to say, how to express properly how it had felt to lose her… Then he decided that he didn’t even want her to know. The past was in the past and all that mattered was that she was here right now.

“I’m just so happy that you’re back. I was worried I would never see you again.”

“It’s not just seeing me that you want, though, is it?”, Meg asked, looking at him through her thick black lashes, her voice suddenly different, lower, seductive.

Cas gasped at the sudden change of topic and atmosphere, but before he could even think of an answer, Meg kissed him again, and this time, it felt like she had set Cas on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're wondering about the Enochian, "Zeer geh ho-ath", or HTAOH G RIZ in written form (sorry can't use the Enochian alphabet here), literally translates to "I am your worshipper", I'll use it as the Enochian way of saying "I love you". It basically means the same thing after all and I could not find an exact expression in my limited Enochian vocabulary. 
> 
> Sorry this chapter took so long... I was kinda busy. I'll try to upload the next one (including some nice demon-on-angel-action) faster, promised. 
> 
> Also, please comment. Tell me what you think. What you like. What you hate. Tell me if you find typos. Anything. I love reading comments on my work :)

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so please forgive me if there are mistakes (but feel free to point them out to me).


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